The Day I Started to Love Myself

Have you ever woken up without any hope at all?

The miserable feeling that makes you feel so hopeless, even more than it already has. As each passing second starts putting its weight on you, time is slowing down, and it almost felt like it has completely stopped. Minutes felt like hours, hours felt like days. There you are, lying still beneath the covers on your bed, asking yourself,

“How can I make this feeling go away?”

The more you wanted it to stop, the more painful it gets. The worst part is no one knows how painful it is because it doesn’t have a face. There is no band-aid you could put on or a scar on your body to show that you are going through something, but it is always inside you. Sometimes, you don’t even feel like saying anything because you wouldn’t want to burden others with it. So, the only thing you feel you should do is to hide it.

The longer it gets, the harder it is. There were many instances where I tried out ways to fight it, but it was still there, unbarred. Looking back at my reflection on the mirror, all I can see are flaws, from left to right. I can’t stop hating myself, I know I should start loving my imperfections, accept the way I am, but I don’t know how.

“Why are you so depressed all the time?”

People that I know are living the best time of their lives, smiling everywhere they go, and there I was, barely holding on. The faker my smile gets, the more pain I felt. Months have passed, yet I still felt like escaping reality, pretty much like an empty shell.

Ever since I was young, I wasn’t fond of myself. I hated the way I look, how my body is, how my grades are, heck, even the sound of my voice irritates me. As years go on, the hatred I had for myself took the shape of an invisible monster that whispers in my ear whenever I take a look at myself in the mirror. I always yearned to achieve the confidence my friends have, it looks so easy, but it never is. The monster continues to grow larger, introducing its side effects to my daily life, losing my appetite was the first of many. I felt so suffocated with my fast beating heart to a point where I could feel it every beat. I just spent my days sleeping in with a guilty conscience blasting my mind. Until one day, it has gotten so bad to a point where I couldn't help but to come out of my room, just to breathe. As cheesy as it may sounds, I started seeing things clearly from that day forward.

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I was walking aimlessly in hope for a "freedom" to end my pain, when little did I know that it was always inside me.

I learned that:

We live in a society where judgemental is a norm, so we can’t help but to compare our lives with the people we know. We always wanted to show the good but never the bad in the presence of others. What we tend to neglect was the fact that everyone has an invisible baggage, they have their own set of stories, some in the past while some that are still in the creation, regardless, those stories are the ‘ingredients’ that compliments their life, making them the strong person they are today. We are constantly saying we are too this or that. Instead, we should start accepting ourselves just the way we are, appreciating people as people.

Confidence is not an overnight mask where you can just slap it onto yourself and BAAM, you are all set for the next morning. It is a gradual process in self-acceptance, where you take a few steps at a time. The only rule in gaining confidence is never stopping. It takes time and a lot of effort, but everyone could do it, never let yourself talk down to you. One thing is when people start to lower down your confidence, you should never let them take away your self-worth. You are worth so much, even when you can’t see it now. Change your angle, like how people choose the right angle when taking pictures, move around, start seeing yourself with a different view.

Self-acceptance is not about accepting all the good and neglecting all the bad. Life is never rainbow and sunshine. It often has its downfalls. As easy as “get over it” sounds, in reality, it is never the case.

It is not something where you can make a wish for it to disappear.

It is not something where there is an on-switch for you to switch it off.

Months ago, I started practicing being mindful and waking up with a different mindset, where each morning I would tell myself that today is going to be different, it is going to be a good day. The power of this is that it sets your mind subconsciously to a state where even if it is going to end badly, you are still going to see the best of it. Instead of focusing on the bad things that have happened in your day, why don’t you start to look at what had gone right for you? It could be as simple as “I managed to find a parking at work today” or “the lunch today was surprisingly both cheap and delicious”. If we all started to look at our days as ones with both good and bad aspects, it would be much more meaningful.

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Self-acceptance is never easy. There is no straight path leading to the finish line. There will be a lot of mountains for you to climb, seas for you to cross, but it is going to be a beautiful journey where there are memorable sights along with it. When you felt like it is getting unbearable, just take a look out the window. You will notice that the sky is everywhere, filled with possibilities. In life, the probability of achieving your goals, in reality, is endless, so take your stand and make your mark. Up until few months ago, all I could see in the mirror was a million things that I hate. Now I realised that every time life hits me with a closed door, another door opens. Every moment of doubt, every disappointment in life is, in fact, a guidepost that sets my path. Looking back, I wouldn’t want to change the past, because if I did, I wouldn’t know the true value of my self-worth.

It took me a while, well, a ‘little’ over 20 years, but I am proud to say that I’m in the journey of acceptance and loving myself.