When one faces the reality of a personal tragedy, it is most likely that two out of the five stages of grief will be experienced throughout the ordeal. It is a devastating process for anyone to go through. The fact that everyone experience things differently makes it even harder to estimate how long it will take for a person to truly overcome grief.
The five stages of grief are said to be the tools that help us cope and learn to live within a new framework. They are tools to guide us in identifying our feelings and equip us to deal with what we are facing. Receiving the bitter news of a loved one is never easy. It resembles a blow that leaves us exposed naked to the overwhelming feelings.
Here is my story of how I went through the five stages of grief, the raw and uncut version.
Stage 1 – Denial
Your grandmother has left us.
Upon hearing these very words, I found myself being welcomed by the first stage of grief, denial. At that moment, a fog overlaps my mind as I slowly understand the meanings behind those words. Shock steps over my senses as I unwillingly deal with the devastating news.
She is no longer with us.
Writing these sentences breaks my heart, facing the reality of me not being able to see her nor I could hear her calling out my name again. When the fog finally passes through my mind, a defense mechanism starts its mechanics to cope with the denial that was left behind, the thoughts that remained after the fog. A sudden coldness wraps me with the reality of losing the warmth of my grandmother, one that my grandmother will no longer give.
I will never get the chance to hold her again.
The close relationship my grandmother and I had is indescribable. I would say I was closer to her than I am with my mother. Numbness creeps over my shoulders as I look over the ceiling, telling my departed grandmother how sorry I am that I was not by her side during her last moments.
Why is this happening?
I questioned myself as I tried to make sense of this loss. I could not bring myself to walk into her room with the thought of her not opening up her eyes if I ever call out to her again. When I finally had the courage, I look at her stiff body as denial starts walking away.
Stage 2 - Anger
Like most people, I could not continue with my denial over her impending death as minutes turn into hours, and consequently, hours turn into days. Denial soon gives its path for the new stage runner, turning into feelings of anger. Many had said that anger is usually directed outward, it can extend from the immediate family, to medical professionals and as well as oneself. It is crucial to understand that underneath all of that rage is pain. Rather than having all of the negative feelings blasted towards other people, I was angry at myself and, at the past along with everything else that had led to her demise.
Along with anger, I was tormented with many thoughts of "if only”.
If only she didn’t fell last year, she wouldn’t be bedridden and she would still be with us.
If only I was born early, then I would have been able to contribute to making her life more comfortable.
If only I was the one taking care of her.
If only I had the chance to accompany her during the last few months, perhaps she wouldn’t suffer as much as she did.
She doesn’t deserve to suffer this way. No one does. She was the kindest hearted person I know, the one who had taught me everything. The one that guided me to this path I have chosen. The only one that sees me as I am. Seeing how she slowly lost her strength as she grew older and weaker makes it even worse for us who love her dearly. No matter how badly and disrespectful others treated her, no matter how unfair the situation was to her, she would not let them get the best of her. Instead of allowing them to cloud her judgments, she stood proudly as she held her morals and reasonings. Her words of wisdom were
"Never let others influence how you are as a human being.
You are who you are, always remember your principles.
Respect others even if they do not deserve it, stand tall, and be the better person."