When you experience loss, people say you will move through the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
What they don’t tell you is that you’ll cycle through them all every day.
Stage 3 - Bargaining
For the past crusading months, I prayed silently every day, every second I could spare, to whoever is listening.
Please, don’t take her away, not now, grant me more time with her.
Coping with the inevitability of her impending death and the gradual sense of loss, what felt right at the moment was to try to delay her end by bargaining. In some ways, this is an attempt to avoid the unavoidable. Looking back each time as the ambulance took her away to the hospital, you can’t help but feel scared of what comes after. You can’t help but bargain along with the guilt that comes with it. Going down the path of “If I only”s, people often find fault in themselves, things they have done, and things they should have done.
Please, let her get through this. I wanted her to live.
I kept on bargaining,
Please, let her live through another month, let her live through her birthday.
Please let her see the chance of me getting to the top like she always said I would.
Most of all, I wanted her to stand proud by my side. One pray followed another, hoping she has more time in this world to live through another celebration with the family. The last conversation I had with her was the usual one we always have, me telling her that we are all doing fine, please don’t worry about us. I will come and see her soon.
If only I know or have an idea that she may be leaving us soon, I would be there no matter what. I guess that’s the thing about life. We wouldn’t know. If we know, then the feelings in our hearts wouldn’t be the same. I am glad that at the very least, my last conversation with her was a good one.
Stage 4 – Depression
This stage is one that focuses on the deep sense of loss where it varies in degrees from person to person. It surpasses the anger we hold and any attempts in bargaining. The realization that she is not coming back home and is truly gone cuts deep. I missed her dearly. I started looking at her usual spots in the house, hoping to see her again. Then reality hits.
I started watching her old videos. For this, I am forever grateful that we live in the 21st century. My uncle recorded a few that we can always hear her voice, her laugh and see her smile. It was as if she is still with us. I guess it was at this point that I realized that there is nothing I can do with the situation, other than holding our treasured memories close to heart. She wouldn’t want me to cry over her passing. She told me that once. She would want me to move on and continue onto my daily life. I promised her that I would make her proud and I will.
She was my favorite person in the world. Like all grandmothers, they spoiled their grandchildren, myself included. Whenever I told her casually that I am craving for whatever food I was craving at that time, she will cook it immediately. I won’t let myself succumbed to the fog of intense sadness as I have promised her that subconsciously.
All things heal in time, this will too. Throughout this emotional process, this is the most crucial point I have to go through, towards acceptance and peace with myself.
Stage 5 – Acceptance
We finally reach the final stage, acceptance. Here is where we cease our fight against fate, letting go of all of our personal battles with one’s past and circumstances. Here is where we come into terms with mortality and with the need to part from loved ones, accepting the new reality.
It was selfish for us to hold on to her with her suffering all this while being bedridden. It would be a different matter if she was able to walk again and be out and about. At the end of the day, she passed on peacefully in her sleep. This thought made me feel at peace, at the very least, she is at a better place now.
I have learned to treat every day as if it is the last. I don’t want to miss out on anything or hold any regrets. We can never replace what has been lost, but memories are never lost. We need to learn how to begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.
What brought us together was the connection and the thing about the connection is that it never truly gone along with the person we loved. It remains as a reminder that forever is simply in a different form which it is engraved deeply in our hearts.
There are no rules or cheat codes when it comes to grief. The process is highly personal, it should not ever be forced or rushed. People who are going through these difficult stages would need the time to grieve and cope, but what they truly need is love, patience, and understanding from their friends, family, and other loved ones.
Grief never ends but it changes, it’s a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness but the price we pay for love.
Dear Ah Ma,
You have brought so many happy moments in our lives and left us with a treasure trove of memories. It’s the little things, the small, everybody occurrences that we will remember. The laughs, the stories, the smiles. We love you very much and will hold all the warm and special memories close to our hearts. You belong to a kind place, a place that is away from all the hassles of this world. Do not fret, we will be alright. We will continue living the lives you envisage us to have. May your spirit experience celestial peace and heavenly bliss.